Lessons from my Twin Flame

Remember that one time you mistook your twin flame for a soul mate? Yeah, that’s a real thing. 

20 years ago I met my twin flame in a chatroom. Two years ago I finally met him in person and he was the being that catalyzed the beginning of my spiritual awakening.

Twin flame and soul mate are used synonymously in most circles and this alone causes so much confusion and suffering because the two are quite remarkably different. A soul mate is someone that you have had many lifetimes with in different incarnations. They can be a sister or brother, a dear friend, a lover, and we are fortunate enough to have several different soul mates that come in a wide variety of relationships and roles. But you only have one twin flame. It’s said that when each one of us was created, our souls flame (singular) was split into two, creating twin flames, thus they only exist in one single pair. They are your perfect counterpart, the yin to your yang, literally the other part of your being. It’s also said that it is quite rare to incarnate in a birth with your twin flame, usually one flame stays in the spirit world to be a guide to you as you take your earthly birth. 

The purposes of the soul mate and the twin flame are very different from one another, yet again a deep source of suffering without an understanding of this. A soul mate is someone that you can build a life with because the two of you are usually two peas in a pod; you enjoy the same things, you have the same views and values, and you strive for the same treasures. There is instant connection and comfort, ease in being with one another, and a certain/basic effortlessness in being together. Your twin flame on the other hand is here to insight the deepest amounts of personal and spiritual growth. They hold a mirror to your spirit on a daily basis, showing you the tender bits that need healing, the wounds that need tending to, and the rough edges that need smoothing. With this comes a certain/basic sense of dis-ease and discomfort when the two of you are in relation to one another (you can actually be in total isolation from one another and still feel this edge) because you are in the throws of existential fire, seemingly without any reprieve in sight. 

My flame and I had 17 years of experience with one another before we had even met in person. Throughout those years, there was the most unquenchable desire to meet but every single opportunity was thwarted by the Universe in the most mysterious of ways. The night we finally met and I set eyes on him, the very first thought that entered my mind was, “I found home.” Every cell in my body sang and swam with the sense that they had found their missing pieces. Five days after that initial meeting was when I decided to quit my job, sell my things, and backpack around the world. Nearly one year after meeting each other in person we came to the realization (through the most magical of spiritual experiences in India) that we were twin flames. Suddenly, all of the signs over the past year began to make sense; seeing the number 11 everywhere we went (the number of spiritual awakening), the psychic visions and downloads we received in holy places together, the uncanny but cryptic angel card messages. And then, slowly, in crept the deeper understanding of what a twin flame is and does and how very different this is from a soul mate. 

It’s about two years since this journey began (26.5 months to be exact) and after extensive and intense lived experience (and even research) I have gained incredible wisdom that I’ve been urged to share with others.

The hardest lesson that I’ve come to learn so far has been that you can’t turn a twin flame into a soul mate. Your twin flame lovingly gives you the kindling needed to set your old self on fire so that your true divine being can emerge from the burnt husk in all of its glory. It’s a true shamanic death and rebirth in the most spectacular fashion. Your instinct is to seek comfort of all kinds from your flame, but the flameship isn’t designed for comfort, it’s designed for change, for growth and transformation. For 20 years I had constructed a vision of my flame as the one that I would spend the rest of my life with, create a home and family with, you know, do soul mate things with. Accepting that this fantasy is simply that, a fantasy, and then grieving the death of that fantasy has been the most painful and absolutely exquisite metamorphosis I’ve lived to share. And coming to understand and truly value all that a twin flame is here to offer has become the single greatest blessing of my existence in this birth so far.

All over the internet people talk about ‘union with your twin flame.’ And what the vast majority of people mean when they talk about union with your twin flame is creating a soul mate version of life with your twin flame. For some, this seems absolutely possible, but from what I’ve learned, this should never be the intention of the flameship. The intention of the flameship should be about…

True intrinsic surrender. Letting what must die, to die, and allowing what is begging to be birthed, to birth. Surrendering all of your old constructs, your former identity that you outgrew long ago but continue to grasp on to, your expired aspirations that can’t possibly contain the greatness that brews within you. And eventually coming to realize that the sweetness in surrender is far greater than the bitterness in clutching to resistance.


Unconditional love. Your flame contains all those bits of you that you refused to hold in this birth and this is why looking in the mirror that they metaphysically hold up to you is so challenging to stare into. Creating unconditional love for who they are also means that you fully love and accept all those parts of yourself that you wish weren’t so. The true essence of Spirit, of the Divine, exists in unconditional love and having the opportunity to truly feel such love is the most magnificent experiencing of the Divine itself. 

My twin flame woke me to the suffering I was enduring blindly and our flameship created a glow bright enough to lead me back to my true self. I have learned to dance within these fires with a wide open heart, my arms and hands outstretched to take in all the goodness that is constantly flowing toward me, and my head bowed in humble reverence for what we’re all able to endure when we surrender to something so much greater than what we ever could have designed for ourselves.

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